Unless you say “whoring”, in which case my lame pun falls apart.
Prostitution is one of those age old traditional professions that has withstood the test of time. The test of time being, “will there still be ladies of the night providing genital-polishing services well into the future?” Obviously, the answer to that is a resounding “yes.”
Like man-boy-love and accepted hardcore public homosexuality, prostitution had a place in the past among the hearts of the populace in just about every civilization. What a glorious time it was! Mostly, I’m lying. In some civilizations, prostitutes were respected courtesans more posh than your average wealthy trophy wife, and in others they were essentially the precursors to modern day crack whores. There’s still question as to which is the better fuck, but assuming you take into account the amount of “bang for your buck”, so to speak, the lady with bruises on her arms and chicken pox scars on her neck that chain smokes more than Humphrey Bogart in his prime is likely the all-around winner. Compare it to the dollar menu.
Forget about all that for now, though. I would like to talk a little more about American prostitution and its legal status. Currently, outside of the state of Nevada — well known for its perverse gambling institution — prostitution is illegal in the United States. It’s been that way since around 1915, and we can thank the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union for that one, which incidentally is filled with more whores than the institution they were hell bent on (98% successfully) prohibiting in America. These are the same vile-drenched walking vaginas that forced the USA into prohibition, and spearheaded the War on Drugs. The War on Drugs, by the way, has been working brilliantly to ensure that drug use of every single illegal drug on the market has increased by at least fivefold, with prices dropping up to 2000% in price.
Prostitution, simply put, has no reason to be illegal. I wouldn’t use a prostitute, but I don’t necessarily have a problem with a particularly enterprising person deciding they can make some cash by rubbing up against another person. I’m not calling her a whore in the least, but when I think about the last time I slept with a girl it didn’t happen for free when you take into account the money I spent on her food, drinks, and entertainment. You can argue all you want about the intrinsic value of meaningful companionship and the difference between me buying her sustenance rather than handing her a wad of cash, but the fact that we technically bartered for sex still stands, and it’s pretty much the same all across the board. I know it’s not romantic and I know the guys are agreeing while some of the gals (read: unrealistic feminists) are ready to tear that statement down. Understand that I’m not equating women with whores when I say that, because the tables are turned more and more in this situation nowadays. I’m just showing the absurdity in outlawing the direct sale of sex. I forget exactly who said this, I believe it was George Carlin, but the saying goes “Why is it illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?”
The answers are pretty simple: Pimps, STDs, and Christians.
Granted, it’s unfair to say “Christians” when it’s really all those with some kind skewed moral compass. Those people believe in family values, and while that’s all well and good, their values include no premarital sex of any kind. Sex turns out to be some necessary evil act of procreation rather than the blatantly fun act it is. Therefore, selling sex out of wedlock is an invitation to some kind of demoralized heathen society. The thing is, sex out of wedlock is (as it should be) an insanely rampant occurrence. Finding a show or movie not children-oriented that doesn’t contain sex talk among those unmarried is tougher than finding a senator that doesn’t drink. This comes down to not allowing people to just impose their morals onto you, as long as your acts don’t hurt them. If someone has sex with their partner and aren’t married, it shouldn’t influence your life in anyway. If that partner happens to be your daughter, fine, I can see how that can influence your life, but in a case like that it’s really up to you to have raised your daughter according to your own view of correctness. That is, unless she’s 18, in which case your protests automatically make you an asshole.
Pimps are a fairly simple remedy. Right now they’re just black market sex brokers that can treat their workers however the hell they want. There is no Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) looking out for the women’s best interest, there is no Hookers On Employment Safety (HOES, ha!) union to protect them from subjugation and exploitation. Why not? Well, you can’t have government protection on a business that’s illegal to begin with. That’s like being able to federally insure your meth lab “incaseshit.” Legalize prostitution and government programs will protect both consumers and workers which will effectively phase out pimps altogether.
Sexually transmitted diseases are a valid point. However, take a page from the Nevada system of prostitution. In an average modern Nevada brothel, prostitutes require medical screening every week as well as courses on safe sexual practices and adhering to them completely. They are also required to maintain a clean working area and follow strict protocols with pre and post-intercourse practices. They’re paid well and they’re protected by security, it’s pretty doubtful you’ll find anyone who hates their job and feels constantly mistreated. I wish I could say the same about the guy that sits in the cubicle across from me. I’m pretty sure the only thing keeping him from coming in here with a tommy-gun and Cheneying us all in the face is the pretty nice paychecks we’re given.
Sexual abilities are just as valid as any other professional skill, be it woodworking, metallurgy, engineering, oil rigging, psychiatry, astronomy, or basketball. If dribbling a ball on a court is a skill worthy enough to be paid for, then dribbling on a man’s balls is also a skill worthy of proper compensation.
What would it take to legalize prostitution nationwide? A lot. This isn’t a top priority in the government’s to-do list. History also shows it’s a lot easier to criminalize something than to decriminalize it. To put it into perspective, if prostitution was currently legal, I could gather a group of Christians to bitch and moan about how immoral it is, and with time it’ll be prohibited. On the other hand, if right now I was to gather a bunch of dudes and chicks to legalize some hoe action, we’d be dubbed the national group of sleaze bags and skanks.
So, fuck it, instead of trying to legalize it, just continue to mess with the system a bit. I’m sure many of you have heard of a thing called “escort services.” You giggled because you concede that it’s a pretty nice loophole. They work on the premise that you’re just paying for someone to just hang out with, and if things happen to lead to sex, so be it, we’re just humans. The loophole is you’re not paying for sex, just a temporary friend, and apparently there’s nothing illegal in that.
I propose a new loophole system should be added. Basically, “sex classes.” You pay for education on sexual practices, and the courses happen to be a very hands-on approach. I’ve heard of courses you go to where they teach you how to properly give head, masturbation techniques, sexual positions complete with instructors giving live demonstrations, etc. However, I can’t say that I’ve heard of said courses allowing you to have sex with the instructor, or “partner up” with a teacher’s aide (hence, the loophole.) Has it been attempted in the past and a crafty lawyer figured out how to categorize it as prostitution?
Another loophole is modeled after those booths you can go into to create a sort of karaoke performance which is then recorded for you, quickly mixed, and given to you. The same thing can be done to create a sort of pornographic short film. You pay for the “film making experience” a la recording studio experience of the karaoke thing, and with that you get to have sex with an “actress” and a copy of the film. Naturally, since this is really all about the sex, a handycam and a hooker in the brothel’s room will do the trick.
These loopholes would require the management of the neo-brothel to be like those legal Nevada ones with strict regulations. Plus, these legal-hoes can be actual employees protected by employee rights.
Just saying.
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