| Vitruvian Mind |
| The Man will burn! |
|
Posted on February 29th, 2008 by Glenn.
Categories: Business & Finance.
By now we have all received, at one time or another, some phony e-mail from Nigeria asking us to cash checks or claim lottery winnings. It is hard to believe that anyone could fall for these scams, but there is a sucker born every minute in cyberspace.
Recently, however, I received an amazing, fool-proof offer from Mr. James Williams, Director of Projects at the Department of Minerals & Energy in Pretoria South Africa. Unlike those other e-mail scams, this offer was received via my facsimile machine, thus proving its validity. Not only that, but it is from South Africa, so I know it is not some slipshod Nigerian scheme. I felt even more secure that Mr. Williams directed this, not to some poor hacks with e-mail accounts, but to me as “Director/CEO.” He knows I am sophisticated enough to appreciate a sound business deal.
As if I needed any more assurances of the veracity of this offer, Mr. Williams is the DIRECTOR of PROJECTS at the Department of Minerals and Energy. I am not sure what type of “Projects” or whose Department of Mineral Energy, but it sounds pretty important.
The subjects / verbs in his letter do not always match (”the actual contract cost have been paid”); articles are sometimes neglected (”re-profiling funds to tune of Twelve Million”) ; and plurals are neglected (”call me for further detail of this transaction”) but that is okay because I bet they speak a different, presumably more proper form of English in South Africa, closer to the that spoken in Great Britain.
Here’s the gist: Mr. James Williams is asking for my indulgence in re-profiling funds to tune 12,800,000 United States Dollars (US$10.2M). Now, I am not sure how $12,800,000 in US dollars is equivalent to $10,200,000 in US dollars, but I have a hunch this is a sophisticated international transaction involving complex currency conversions that are beyond my understanding.
I was also not sure what “re-profiling funds” meant, so I googled it. I found hundreds of e-mail scams using this phrase, many from Russia, some from Nigeria and even some from South Africa, but thank God none from Mr. James Williams, Director of Projects of Energetic Minerals in Pretoria.
Where did these funds come from?, I wondered. Well, Mr. James Williams put me right at ease by explaining that they were derived over time from a projected awarded to a foreign firm by his Department, and presently the actual contract cost have been paid to the original project executors (he must mean the foreign firm), which leaves the “balance in the tune of the said amount which we have in principle obtained approval to remit overseas.”
So I was clear on the origin of the funds, but why would the Department of Mines and Emeralds want to remit the “balance in the tune of said amount” overseas? Again, Mr. James Williams came through, as he succinctly explained that “[k]indly pardon the used of a medium informal as this for reaching out to you to make a request of great importance to us.” That cleared it up, and no need to apologize, James Williams, for a telefax is hardly informal!
Then came the exciting part. It seems James Williams had obtained authority and approval of his partners (presumably his partners at the Department of 8 Essential Vitamins & Minerals) “to negotiate a suitable compensation” for my participation. He proposes 22.2 percent, while they get 46.6 percent “and 31.2 percent are earmarked for purposes of taxation.” I was hoping for more like 22.5% for my role in the re-profiling process, but 22.2 ain’t bad, and yup, the numbers add up to 100% - these guys are on the ball, that’s for sure.
Now, I must caution you, “this endeavor has a minimal risk factor on your part provided you treat it with utmost discretion,” so please do not pass this on to too many people, or the risk factor might increase.
Mr. James Williams left me his number too, so I know it is legit. Man, sometimes the fish just jump in the boat, opportunity knocks, and he who hesitates loses. I wish I could share my good fortune with all of you, but I really need this money to invest in an incredible pre-construction high-rise condominium going up in downtown Miami, and another in Las Vegas. By the time the buildings are finished I can flip them for huge profits!
Posted on February 27th, 2008 by Glenn.
Categories: Consumer Products, Humor & Pop Culture.
I was stuck in the omnipresent line of cars in the left lane of the MacArthur Causeway, watching other cars waiting until the last minute to squeeze into the left lane to get onto the Alton Road ramp. As I sat staring at the Range Rover in front of me, I could not help wondering what the hell these stick figures were doing there on the huge rear window. Sure, I’d seen them for years, but never understood what they are doing on every SUV, Minivan, and Volvo in America. You know what I am referring to, these stickers representing parents, children, babies, and pets; a mother in her tennis dress and father in a business suit or golf pants, a little boy with a soccer ball and a little girl with a doll, babies, plus a dog or cat. Somebody is making a ton of money coming up with this shit and I want in on it.
I just do not understand this fad or the appeal of representing each member of your family on your rear window. What happens if there is a divorce?
“Billy honey, be a good boy and get out the Exacto knife and scrape Daddy’s sticker off the back of the Caravan.” Perhaps Dad then puts stickers representing him and his younger mistress on his new Carrera.
If the parents share custody, does each one get awarded half a sticker as part of the custody proceedings? Or perhaps they swap stickers on the visitation weekends?
As I am single, maybe I should get a sticker of just one guy standing there. Maybe looking at his watch or, better yet, shrugging his shoulders with a quizzical look as if to say “what do want me to do?”
I notice the characters on the stickers are always smiling and happy. Why not crying kids and parents ignoring them while reading the paper or holding martinis in their hands?
Do them make them for gay couples too?
Do polygamists in Utah flaunt it by having all six of their wives on there?
They should make them for dysfunctional families as well, and also feature fathers in grubby tank tops with beer bellies, potheads, convicts, hookers, metal heads, pregnant teens, gangsta rappers, homeless people (special adapter kit to attach to shopping carts), and surly teens smoking cigarettes or with strange piercings.
Come to think of it, if it hasn’t been done yet, I am going into business making spoof stickers with all sorts of characters like those described above. Look for them on eBay soon.
Posted on February 23rd, 2008 by Glenn.
Categories: Humor & Pop Culture, Storytelling.
When I was a college senior, my roommate Don and I shared a bowl. One big, microwave-safe bowl. That was it for our bowl collection. Cereal in the morning: use the bowl. Spaghetti at night: use the bowl. Heat up a leftover slice of pizza: you get the picture. We washed it every time we were finished. While we did not extend this simplicity to flatware of cups, the system would have worked quite well.
Now, as I prepare to move from South Beach and clear out of the country, I am selling off everything or giving it away. I am amazed at how many sets of dishes, plates, glassware, silverware, and serving items I have accumulated over the years. Much of it was handed down from my grandmother to me. Items a single guy, even a relatively social and sophisticated single guy, simply will never use. Gravy boats, cheese slicers and cheese cutting boards, candy dishes, casserole plates, and some glass-ware items for which the intend use remains a mystery. But some of it I purchased to fill the kitchens and display shelves of my adult homes when I bought them.
I was just as happy with that great bowl from college. To be sure, I am not suggesting that everyone should use (and certainly not share) a single bowl. In fact, for a married couple it would be absurd. Yet, it is an interesting exercise in simplicity. Why do I need 18 forks now? Why do I need Martha Stewart’s 90 piece flatware set on sale at Macy’s?
I have never had more than 6 people over for dinner in my life. All those pieces do is pile up in the sink, the drying rack, or the dishwasher. From another glance, take a look at typical American weddings. We register for sets of everything to fill up our china hutches and cabinets above the sink. Breadmakers that will be used twice and forgotten, ditto on the fondue sets, cups and saucers of every shape and size, serving spoons, ladles, griddles, casserole dishes, pizza pans, jelly roll pans, and don’t forget the gravy boats!
All of these accouterments of the perceived fully equipped kitchen are fine, but I am happy with a simplified life. I remember wistfully the days where I could fit all of my possessions into my Cherokee and take off on the road. Perhaps “freedom” really is just another word for “nothing left to lose” for a lot of people, but for me it is a choice right now. For every piece of furniture I sell or give away, I feel lighter, and freer.
Posted on February 21st, 2008 by Glenn.
Categories: Media & Entertainment, Science & Technology, Humor & Pop Culture.
Congratulations! You are now the 89 millionth person to create a blog!
There are small, impoverished children in Bangladesh living on rickety junks on the river who already have been in the blogosphere before you - check out www.hopetocatchfishfordinner.blogspot.com.
These guys have beaten you to the blogosphere:
We hope you enjoy your journey into the true heart of narcissism.
We totally agree that everyone else truly cares about your thoughts on the latest gossip on Brangelina, Brittany’s baby, Klingon etiquette, home remedies for the runs, the benefits of wheat grass, the Tampa Bay Bandits of the Old USFL, sponge cake recipes, NASCAR collectible decals, and growing azaleas (and that damned Delilah Show)!!
Well, I guess we are a culture of narcissists. Besides, I know some publisher out there is going to come across this blog randomly, love my prose, and decide to give me an advance on my first novel!
