| Vitruvian Mind |
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Posted on October 17th, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Humor & Pop Culture.
After reading Phil’s post about Al Gore having the Nobel Peace Prize thrust upon him with great force, and a number of other blog posts about the topic scattered across the web, I’ve decided that hoping for the red states to come to their senses and vote the right way in ‘08 might be a little too laissez-faire for the good of liberals like myself and the staggering majority of people with a conscience. That’s why I’ve come up with a plan. An awesome plan; an “aweplan”, if you will.
Beg the UK to take us back.
Some of you are groaning, others are thinking about how that cockney London accent you’ve perfected by watching Guy Ritchie flicks will finally pay off. Hear me out, I’ve come up with some compromises to common problems we would have when reintegrated with the land responsible for the electric motor, penicillin, electromagnets, and of course (possibly, he’s not sure himself) raging alcoholic Peter O’Toole. I’ve drafted an open letter to them, a letter which I call The Declaration of Dependence.
Dear United Kingdom/Great Britain/England,
Let me start off by saying I’m directing this letter to all three of you since I’m not exactly clear on which one of you would have the power of adopting us. You guys are well-known for scoffing at ignorance, so I’m trying my best here to make sure I meet the British standards of decency.
This letter is on behalf of approximately 49.8% of America, and while I realize it’s not quite enough of America, the 2000 election is evidence that popular vote isn’t as important as a committee of folks with “the best interest” (those quotes denote sarcasm, I know you guys have your own brand of comedy, so I’ll do my best to explain) of the American people. That is why we are forming a committee with said intentions. Let’s cut to the chase, we want back in.
I’m talking about being your “commonwealth” across the pond, paying homage to the Queen, listening to 80’s glam rock bullshit if that’s what it takes. We’re tired of the way things are headed here in the States. The war on terror/freedom/drugs/sweatervests is out of control, government trust is worse than Dick Cheney’s aim, our politicians are made of bullshit from the neck down, and our economy is as strong as Rudy Giuliani’s hairline. The Canadian dollar is worth more than ours! Seriously, CANADA.
We’re tired. We’ve had to put up with a lot from this administration, and the fact that in a time where many republicans are ready to vote anything but republican, the best the democrats could come up with is a black guy, a chick, and a Mexican is slightly demoralizing. Don’t get me wrong, they’re great, but if you take a map showing the blue and red states, it correlates directly with a map of states that hate women, blacks, and Mexicans. People wonder why Gore doesn’t run again, and frankly, I don’t have an answer to that. Who is he afraid of? That guy from TV or the cross-dressing ex-mayor of New York? Anyway, it doesn’t matter, let’s get back to discussing our interest in calling French fries chips, and chips crisps.
Let’s get one thing straight: We’re still crazy ‘ol gun ho America. When we become part of the UK it won’t be without compromises on both our parts; stipulations which will be set by us entirely, and completely non-negotiable. Below is a list of those terms, it’s in your best interest to agree to them:
- The name of your currency has to go. “Pounds”? How stupid is that? Why measure your currency in weight or force for that matter? Don’t give me the “we use metric” garbage, because even with that the pound is still universally accepted as a unit of force in the scientific world, and in your English/Imperial Units it is used as a measurement of weight. We’ll compromise and switch from U.S. units to metric units, no problem there, but the dollar stays.
- We’ll allow the royal family to remain, however, they will be required to adopt a southern drawl in the style of rural Alabama. We figure, if they inbreed like our hicks, they might as well talk the talk. The term “God Save the Queen/King” will also be banished from our official lexicon and only allowed in private functions such as churches and homes. I don’t know if you know this, but supposed preferential treatment by God for our leaders is what got us in this mess to begin with.
- England will no longer be considered a country, but a state. We’re going to be one big happy family, so none of this autonomous crap. You’ll be a state like the rest of us, and all those little provinces you’ve got set up will become counties. Also, I don’t know if we’ve got enough zip codes left so you might start having to use letters and stuff. Sorry.
- Your rugby players will have to start playing American football. I don’t particularly like it, but it seems this is a make-it-or-break-it demand from many of our constituents. Same goes for cricket guys converting to baseball. Football will also now be called soccer. I know, I know, it makes absolutely no sense, but your 60.7 million to our 300+ million get the minority vote on this.
- British music is generally better than its American counterpart, you are now required to fill in the spots of current American music superstars starting with Kanye West.
- Impose a huge tax on Scientologists. Hopefully the tax will be large enough to force them to attempt declaring independence and taking Hollywood with them. You guys are great at that, make it happen.
- All movies will have American accents. Studies show that it’s difficult to take a movie seriously when more than 3 of the lead actors have British accents, unless said movie takes place before the 18th century. These studies have taken place in my house.
- Our new name will take half of our name and half of your name. We will take United States and take United Kingdom to form the brand new nation of United Kingdom, which is completely different from the former United Kingdom since we’ve now established why the name is what it is.
- A new national holiday will be added in place of our July 4th Independence Day. It’ll simply be called The Boston Tea Party which consists of throwing away roughly 3/4 of your tea and forcing you to drink from Starbucks. Rampant consumerism is how we make money in the States, get used to it.
- Indians, Pakistani, and Mexicans will all be collectively called “Mexicans” from now on. It’s a lot easier this way, you’ll thank us later.
That’s pretty much it. We’ve got some less important stuff dealing with health care, education, rights, etc. but those can wait. I mean, they’ve been put on hold for decades here so what’s a few more years, right?
If you can agree to those terms, we would officially like to extend our acceptance of becoming the United Kingdom (not the United Kingdom.) We await your response.
Sincerely,
49.8% of America
What do you think?
I’m ready to be a little more lenient with my dental care if it means no more wacky republican nonsense.
Posted on October 13th, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: History & Politics, Humor & Pop Culture.
Unless you say “whoring”, in which case my lame pun falls apart.
Prostitution is one of those age old traditional professions that has withstood the test of time. The test of time being, “will there still be ladies of the night providing genital-polishing services well into the future?” Obviously, the answer to that is a resounding “yes.”
Like man-boy-love and accepted hardcore public homosexuality, prostitution had a place in the past among the hearts of the populace in just about every civilization. What a glorious time it was! Mostly, I’m lying. In some civilizations, prostitutes were respected courtesans more posh than your average wealthy trophy wife, and in others they were essentially the precursors to modern day crack whores. There’s still question as to which is the better fuck, but assuming you take into account the amount of “bang for your buck”, so to speak, the lady with bruises on her arms and chicken pox scars on her neck that chain smokes more than Humphrey Bogart in his prime is likely the all-around winner. Compare it to the dollar menu.
Forget about all that for now, though. I would like to talk a little more about American prostitution and its legal status. Currently, outside of the state of Nevada — well known for its perverse gambling institution — prostitution is illegal in the United States. It’s been that way since around 1915, and we can thank the Woman’s Christian Temperance Union for that one, which incidentally is filled with more whores than the institution they were hell bent on (98% successfully) prohibiting in America. These are the same vile-drenched walking vaginas that forced the USA into prohibition, and spearheaded the War on Drugs. The War on Drugs, by the way, has been working brilliantly to ensure that drug use of every single illegal drug on the market has increased by at least fivefold, with prices dropping up to 2000% in price.
Prostitution, simply put, has no reason to be illegal. I wouldn’t use a prostitute, but I don’t necessarily have a problem with a particularly enterprising person deciding they can make some cash by rubbing up against another person. I’m not calling her a whore in the least, but when I think about the last time I slept with a girl it didn’t happen for free when you take into account the money I spent on her food, drinks, and entertainment. You can argue all you want about the intrinsic value of meaningful companionship and the difference between me buying her sustenance rather than handing her a wad of cash, but the fact that we technically bartered for sex still stands, and it’s pretty much the same all across the board. I know it’s not romantic and I know the guys are agreeing while some of the gals (read: unrealistic feminists) are ready to tear that statement down. Understand that I’m not equating women with whores when I say that, because the tables are turned more and more in this situation nowadays. I’m just showing the absurdity in outlawing the direct sale of sex. I forget exactly who said this, I believe it was George Carlin, but the saying goes “Why is it illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?”
The answers are pretty simple: Pimps, STDs, and Christians.
Posted on September 12th, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Philosophy & Spirituality, Sports & Health.
I posted this as a comment but I guess it was too long and it didn’t show up. I figured I’d just create a new post. Anyway, the response…
The inherent value in many alternative approaches to healing? I think it needs to be said that I’m talking about alternative medicine as a whole, and as a whole, it falls apart. I mentioned earlier that, sure, there are some (note: SOME) methods that seem to work, but as an entity, the massive umbrella category that is “alternative medicine” is a joke.
Yeah, yoga causes reductions in blood pressure, but if you look carefully at the last paragraph when I mentioned yoga I stated that “…for disease-healing purposes, not exercise/relaxation/fitness…” I’ll give it credit in its exercise, relaxation, and fitness since the evidence is there. Reduction in blood pressure, hypertension, and stress is a byproduct of exercise, relaxation and fitness. So the point you were trying to make there is pretty much moot, I’m assuming you may have missed that part since it was a pretty long post. I don’t have any objections to methods that work, and I know yoga’s benefits, I just mentioned it because there are quacks out there who claim yoga can cleanse diseases. That’s utter bullshit in and of itself.
Physical therapy, again, I said nothing about that. My absolute closest friend was in a near-fatal motorcycle accident a couple of years ago, physical therapy (and very minor surgery, but mostly the therapy) made sure he could walk without a limp and lift objects more than 30 lbs. So yeah, I’ve seen the benefits. Countless athletes and accident victims undergo it daily. Many medical journals and publications include physical therapy. By the medical institution, it’s not even considered “alternative.”
(more…)
Posted on September 6th, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Philosophy & Spirituality, Science & Technology, Sports & Health.
Alternative medicine: The alternative to what works.
Have any of you had, say, bacterial meningitis [neisseria meningitidis] and had it treated by acupuncture (traditional Chinese medicine)? Ginkgo (herbalism)? Diluted concoctions (homeopathy)? Hydrotherapy (naturopathy)? No? Really? Would you, while completely sober, even make the attempt to treat a life-threatening medical emergency using the “alternative” approach?
I didn’t think so.
Still, every year millions of people buy into the holistic gobbledegook spewed by all sorts of charlatans and snake-oil salesmen. They hide under the guise of “nature” and “spiritual healing.” In other words, the stuff that didn’t work in the past when this brand of skewed thought was generally accepted. I’ll break down homeopathy, herbalism, naturopathy, and traditional Chinese medicine individually, but before that I’ll discuss what these all have in common in a chapter I’ll call: “What These All Have In Common”.
What These All Have In Common
Sweet. OK, first off, you can’t attempt to shift the paradigm of modern medicine without bad-mouthing your competition. In this case, the competition is the tried and true modern scientific medical methodology. They have a few ways of doing this:
So, are they right? HELL NO.
(more…)
Posted on June 27th, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Humor & Pop Culture.
I was at a Starbucks the other day and while at the counter ready to pay for my tall whateverccino mocha frapalatte drink, I realized I left my wallet in my car after I had taken it out to take a look at a business card of a client. I said, in a humorously mildly-wry fashion, “aw fuck–.” It was muttered pretty low in volume, I’m not really a loud person.
I was interrupted by this white, red-headed middle-aged woman who reeked of typical southern baptist. She said, “excuse you, young man!” At that moment, two things quickly scrolled through my head before I responded:
“Problem?” That’s what I said to her, and I had a very innocently quizzical look. She said, “that’s not the kind of language we use here.”
“Oh, sorry… coño, que mierda.”
What? I saw an opportunity, and I took it. The barista laughed.
She was visibly annoyed, so before she could even get another word out, I said, “I just noticed I left my wallet in my car, that’s all, no malice intended.” Her next line cued pretty much what I’ve been introducing all along for this blog entry: “Even so, choose a less vulgar way to express it; one that makes you sound more intelligent. You could have said,” and this is verbatim, “aw shucks, I left my wallet in my car.”
Aw shucks? AW-FUCKING-SHUCKS?! Get the fuck out of there.
This brings me to my point. Why is cursing so taboo? How can a simple word like “fuck” be so offensive to someone? Speech is nothing more than a set of auditory motions pieced together to create a series of vocalized words. That’s all. The words itself aren’t what can cause distress, it’s the context and/or concept being given.
Posted on April 23rd, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Philosophy & Spirituality.
That’s pretty much paraphrasing this entire article on CNN.
The gist of it is that the lethal injection they administer to execute death row prisoners can make the death slow, painful, and for the most part cruel. I know, what’s the problem, right? Apparently there’s some kind of law in the US against cruel and unusual punishment, which makes perfect sense. If Timmy “Teabag” Palomino rapes a 9 year old mormon girl with down syndrome and carves his initials on her forehead along with a caricature of a penis pointing at her unibrow and a caption that reads “LOL…”, then tells her she’s free to go and rapes her again right before she steps out of his crazy rapist basement, then kills her with a spork, it would be inhumane to give him a set of injections that will end him within minutes.
Being humane to hardcore murderous prisoners sounds so stupid. It’s like sprinkling glitter on a dead body so it won’t look as morbid when you’re having a tea party with it. That was directed toward Mr. Palomino.
Believe it or not, I’m against the death penalty altogether. Death begets death, etc. I think it’s a bigger punishment being in prison for the rest of your life than to die. I’m not going to get into the whole metaphysical “what comes after death” bullshit, but the fact is while you’re alive if you have to spend the whole time surrounded by guys who “can’t read good” and make alcoholic beverages using the same receptacle they use to dispose of their cum-stained feces, it’s gotta suck worse than not existing at all.
Still, if you’re a government dead set on killing your baddies, go ahead and make it as fucked up as possible. Or better yet, set up some kind of cool death-match thing. Those guys have a lust for blood and they’re set to die anyway, so have them fight to the death and televise it a la pay-per-view. We’ll raise enough money doing that to ease tax payer woes on prisons, which is always a good thing.
There are a lot more important things for people to complain about and set out to change than prisoner treatment. Like Janet Jackson’s nipple.
Posted on April 6th, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Humor & Pop Culture.
Not a formal blog, but I just had to quickly post this ad I saw on Craigslist, especially in light of my previous blog.
He’s basically another nut-job Christian who is looking for a “CHRISTIAN w/ Access To Video, Audio, and Computer Technology,” but with a twist. Here’s an excerpt:
…It sounds very crazy, but I know who the Antichrist is, and I want to upload videos on youtube explaining everything God has allowed me to understand about the coming false messiah figure, who we will all see very soon, who will do miracles and claim he is the christ and messiah of all religions, all rolled into one. I want to expose his personage, his, agenda, and his deception, even how he will cause us all to receive the mark of the beast…
Nice. I sent him an e-mail explaining that I too am a God-loving Christian and told him all about the wonders of GodTube and warned him of AllahTube encroaching in our Christian internet territory. Then I said:
…Brother Kevin, I still cannot believe how disgusting it is to pretend to be our Lord and Savior. I know I mentioned this earlier, but I am shocked and appalled by this situation you and I are now a part of. You’re absolutely right about Maitreya posing as Christ and being the anti-Christ. I believe you, for I am Christ, and I’m tired of niggas rollin’ up half-steppin’ trying to cop my divine shit. Word to my father.
Awaiting his response…
Posted on April 5th, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Media & Entertainment, Humor & Pop Culture.
E-had.
Get it? It’s a play on Jihad, but with an E on it for electronic? Get it? Do you ge–fuck it, that wasn’t funny.
Anyway, there’s a great new Web 2.0 site out there. If you don’t know what Web 2.0 is, it’s a douchey marketing buzz word for “lame rip off of MySpace and/or YouTube.” The latest and greatest Web 2.0 app is called GodTube. I was fooled into thinking it was a place to view videos of God, which would finally put an end to the whole “is there a God” debate, instead I was accosted with videos of Christians broadcasting Him.
What the fuck?
Let’s ignore a lot of what’s wrong with this place and focus on one thing: God will send you to hell if you steal some food to feed your family, but he’ll hook you up with a suite in heaven if you set up a web site that copies YouTube in idea, execution, and design theme, as long as it’s all about Him. God must be a republican.
This site is supposed to be all about spreading God’s word, through amazing Christian logic, but when you’re setting up a web site modeled after YouTube, guess what, your bottom line is now the almighty dollar. GodTube will act like it’s not about the money, or that if it is they’re donating #% to [insert fake charity here] and the rest to cover costs, but anyone with chromosomes knows that’s bullshit.
Personally, I find no problem in someone coming up with a great idea and capitalizing hardcore while riding it. The problem I have is with divine hypocrites. If you’re in it for the money, say it proudly. For instance, now that GodTube is so apparently awesome and they can get away with cloning YouTube down to the bone, I figured I’d get in on this and find some venture capitalists to back me. I like Jews, they’re cutthroat and, much like roaches, can survive holocausts of all kinds (nuclear, ice age, Aryan…) so let me reach out to them. Behold, my brainchild:
JewTube - Schmear Yourself
Isn’t that a great idea I just had? OH WAIT, SOMEONE ALREADY THOUGHT OF IT. I told you Jews were cutthroat.
OK, fine, the Christians and Jews got their shit covered. Let’s go ahead and complete the trifecta and go with something that can’t be taken, a Muslim YouTube clone. Surely it can’t exist, because YouTube was the brainchild of an American, and there’s that whole “death to America” thing they’ve got going over there in Saudi Iraqistan or whatever.
AllahTube - Share Islam Videos
Let me just go register the domain name so no one t–WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! You know what, this is getting ridiculous now.
TaoTube.com - TAKEN
ZenTube.com - TAKEN
BuddhaTube.com - TAKEN
HinduTube.com - TAKEN
Enough. I’m tired of striking out. I’m going to have to resort to the fail-safe clone that no one wants to bother with because it’s so retarded, plus they have no deity to post videos of.
ScientologyTube.com - AVAILABLE
Posted on April 2nd, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: History & Politics, Humor & Pop Culture.
This article from CNN made me decide to tell you a little bit about the Amish.
Amish people are one of the most mysterious human beings on the planet. Little is known about the history, practices, and culture of the Amish. Today, that will change. I set out to investigate who the Amish are, and why their time machine malfunctioned.
Origin
The Amish were manufactured in what is now modern-day Switzerland some time in 1412 by a costume manufacturing corporation known as “Der Costumme.” They were given sentience, much like Kim Cattrall in the hit 80’s movie Mannequin, by Gallagher Oswald Dominguez IV, aka God. Their clothing reflects God’s preference of the fashion sense held by the Quaker Oats guy, as well as the Der Costumme best selling garment, the “Der Costumme Costumme.”
The Amish had unparalleled technological prowess, especially given the rest of the world’s position in that field. Much like Atlanteans, they possessed flying cars, force fields, impressive weapons, psychic powers, and could tell fish what to do. Eventually they developed a machine that lets you manipulate time, a time machine, if you will. Their engineers suggested to their politicians that they should use the machine to travel back in time to help Jesus defeat the Jews in the great battle of Jewmopylae, a battle which would have pitted 300 Amish versus a great wave of millions of Jews. If Jesus could be saved, then God would have, in the words of one of the Amish politicians, “totally owed us big-time.”
Convinced of this sensational plan, the Amish gathered their forces together and entered the time machine transport chamber. Milton S. Hershey, assistant to the chief engineer, had another plan. He decided he wanted to be a rich chocolate confectioner, plus he hated Jesus. He secretly changed the space-time destination coordinates to some time in (more…)
Posted on April 1st, 2007 by Orlando.
Categories: Philosophy & Spirituality, Humor & Pop Culture.
Many of you have known this as fact for a few years already, and some of you only recently started to realize it after noticing how much attention has been payed to Britney Spears shaving her head.
This news came roaring in once again after I read this poll from MSNBC. Apparently, 91% of surveyed adults believe in God. The thing is, people are so stupid I expect Newsweek to have conducted the poll in a predominately hard-lined Christian fundamentalist gathering, like the Senate, for instance. All in all it’s pretty believable for 91% to believe in God. It’s not the belief in God that I have a problem with, because at the end of the day there really could be a God, just not the way Christians see it. I’ve said it many times, but in my mind whatever created everything, whether or not it was intentional or pure chaos, is God. That doesn’t mean it’s a sentient being that watches over us, it could simply be/have been a single particle. I’m going off on a tangent here, let me finish my original thought. It’s not the belief in God that I have a problem with, it’s what they believe this supposed God has said and done. Here’s where the poll gets fun.
“Nearly half (48 percent) of the public rejects the scientific theory of evolution”
That’s strikingly familiar… that’s the exact percentage that voted Bush in the 2000 presidential election. That’s something… 48% reject evolution. What more fucking evidence do they need thrown at their face? I’m pretty sure if a time machine was invented that could allow people to go back in time to actually watch evolution take place in real-time, they would still have the balls to call it a test from God. People will reject anything nowadays. People still reject that the Earth is a sphere, those people are called Flat Earth Society Members, or “profoundly fucked up.”
“one-third (34 percent) of college graduates say they accept the Biblical account of creation as fact.”
I’m willing to bet my first born son’s scrotum that those 34% majored in communications, child care, musical theater, or some other piece of shit discipline that requires negligible (if any) critical thinking. In fact, I can positively state that not one of those batshit insane college grads had above a B average. That 90% of those “college graduates” were community college graduates. Or DeVry/University of Phoenix Online at best. Maybe a vocational degree in criminal justice from those lame TV ads you see at 2 am on Comedy Central. Tell me, honestly, what line of reasoning allows a somewhat intelligent person to say “there’s plenty of fossil evidence of speciation, genetic marking links, proven and tested modern speciation of fruit flies in laboratories, and for the most part the theory itself makes logical sense. But fuck that, it’s all a test, a magical being that shows us he loves us by spreading disease, hatred, terror, and John Tesh is responsible for creating us instantaneously out of thin air some 40,000 years ago, even though with radiocarbon dating we know for a fact that this is false, and using uranium-lead dating we know beyond the shadow of a doubt the ballpark age of our planet.”
“Seventy-three percent of Evangelical Protestants say they believe that God created humans in their present form within the last 10,000 years; 39 percent of non-Evangelical Protestants and 41 percent of Catholics agree with that view.”
Motherfucker.
I take that back, it’s not the irrational 40,000 years that they believe, it’s the horrendously ludicrous 10,000 years. For tit’s sake there were hunter/gatherer homo sapiens living hundreds of thousands of years ago!
My favorite are those who claim science is a religion, something which proponents of Intelligent Design love to do when they’re not brainstorming over what more intelligent crap to add to their design. Science is so far from a religion it’s not even funny. Watch, let’s use the dictionary to define them:
SCIENCE - n: The intellectual and practical activity encompassing the systematic study of the structure and behavior of the physical and natural world through observation and experiment.
RELIGION - n: The belief in and worship of any amount of horseshit written by any jackass with a pen.
Whoops, that second one was from the dicktionary, let me check the dictionary:
RELIGION - n: The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power.
Superhuman, OK, define that and the word supernatural comes up. Define supernatural, and the following definitions pop up:
attributed to some force beyond scientific understanding or the laws of nature.
Then, my personal favorite one:
paranormal, magic, magical
In other words, religion is, by definition:
THE BELIEF IN MAGIC.
Jesus and David Blaine can go lick a chode. I’m done here.
