Things That Keep Me Awake At Night

Posted on February 27th, 2007 by Seth.
Categories: Humor & Pop Culture.

THINGS THAT KEEP ME AWAKE AT NIGHT
1. Every new year starts the same: Hung-over.

2. I went to a party last night with pretty people. The problem with 8
by 10’s (A.K.A. the pretty people) is that they don’t have much to
say. They kinda just shoot you pretty looks. I always imagine them
doing Crest commercials. In fact, some of them had stared in Crest ads
(I loved your work as the gingivitis free incisor). My friend told me
C-list celebs may attend, but I didn’t realize it meant (C)ommercial
level talent. Also, all the pretty people usually have one male artsy
friend. He’s kinda deep and likes photography or painting. Usually
this means he draws the art for the “Say Anything” section of YM.
Whatever, I read it and enjoy his work.

3. I feel like every time I finish a book…I’m left with a square piece of trash.

4. Back to the pretty people party. It had Mistletoe. Okay, I’m
Jewish. Not that familiar with the “Mistletoe.” It’s the religious
version of spin the bottle. Only the bottle stays still and the people
spin around it. Jews also have a religious tool for hooking up — it’s
called VODKA.

5. Chanukah - It’s like we can’t figure out the best way to beat
Christmas. Every year we switch the date, like, we’re still testing it
out on different weeks. It’s kinda like a lost TV show that can’t find
a good lead in. We’ve tried right after Thanksgiving. No Good. This
year it had the nine o clock slot by being, I think, on the 13th. I
heard next year we’re taking after “Friends” and super sizing
Chanukah. Yep, twelve days of Chanukah. Take that Kwanza the UPN of
holidays.

6. I don’t trust Honey Nut Cheerios. I won’t eat any cereal that a bee
has nutted honey all over.

7. Red bull gives you wings…and a headache the next day.

8. Whenever I decrypt a vanity plate I’m always disappointed by it’s meaning
GIVMERM SOCRMOM –  they should say NVRCLVR

9. Over time, beauty marks become less beautiful

10. Some say if they could go back in time and do it all again they
would. I think I wouldn’t. I’d hate to be eight years old and realize
it’ll be about seven years until I can get a blowjob. That’s a lot of
time to go without any action.

11. Synonyms
“We got engaged” is synonymous with “we ran out of things to talk about”
“I’m going to grad school” is synonymous with “I reached into the
game of life and pulled out a roll again card”
“We have to talk” is synonymous with “you’re about to be in a bad mood”
“You had to be there” is synonymous with “Sorry that story sucked”

12. Last week my roommate came home wasted and brushed his teeth with
Icy Hot. It doesn’t keep me awake at night, but I felt it was worth
mentioning.

13. Sometimes I wonder how much time I waste doing certain things. I
wonder, when I die, if God will hand me a stats report like the way a
football game keeps track of rushes, yards and sacks. I wouldn’t wanna
know how may times I made someone smile or helped someone out. I would
want God to hand me my report and I’d be like, Geez, I really spent
$130,605 on booze, 1,000,560 hours watching TV and, huh, only twenty
two hours making love. (fingers crossed it’s that high – I think I’m
up to three and a half hours already – A third of that time is
attributed to Whiskey Wang).

14. IM is great. It’s like saying – I want to hear what you have to
say, but I want to answer at my own speed.
Susan421: How was New Years
Me: (after ten minutes) BRB (I get bored after another eight minutes
and respond) FUN!!
Susan: I got sooo Wah-sted!!
Me: (tired of convo) LOL
LOL is a pathetic response.
HAHAHA is even worse. The person only has to hit two letters.
That IM thought sounded funnier last night…I guess you had to be there.

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